bipolar

Days of Manias Past

Went to see my shrink on Saturday. In explaining my rage and disgust with myself over my current financial predicament, I told her the reason for my intense feelings is that this isn’t the first time it’s happened. The difference between then and now is I hadn’t dug myself in so deep I couldn’t dig myself out.

So I started regaling her with some of my past exploits while manic. Like how I ended up with FIVE full-length fur coats. While I was still commuting, in winter it got seriously cold on those train platforms. When the 7:15 AM express came whipping through, it was like you’d been plunged into the Arctic. It occurred to me that a fur coat might make my commute more bearable. I bought one. It worked. Then I slipped into mania and bought four more. Oh, they’re beautiful, all right. I pay handsomely to keep them up. But I stopped commuting to work in 2008, and I haven’t worn any of them since Obama’s first inaugural in 2009. Yeah–they’ve been sitting either in my closet or at the storage place since then. I also have a gorgeous sterling flatware set, service for eight. Tell me, why would I need something like that? I don’t entertain. Hell, I don’t even like PEOPLE. And then there was the time I went crazy for loose colored gemstones. I had a grand plan to have them made into custom jewelry. Problem is, I don’t wear jewelry. I have pierced… Continue reading

The Days Are Numbered

It was a gloriously gorgeous day. Blue sky, fluffy white clouds. The sun, bright and warm, tempered by a cool breeze ruffling the hair. A day that heralded the coming of Autumn.

Dammit.

I am sooo not ready for this. I am not ready to face another winter. I’m not ready for the cold. The threats of snow. I’m not ready for the short days, the darkness outside and the darkness in my brain.

“Oh, but there’s plenty of time before winter comes! There will be more days like today, many more!”

That’s true. But it doesn’t seem like that to me. As a year passes, the days, weeks, and months rush by seamlessly, with the anonymity and speed of water in a fast-moving stream. Very few discrete periods stand out. When I can recall a particular day, its pictures slip and slide like a half-remembered dream. One little saying of mine is “I can’t remember what happened twenty minutes ago, so you know I can’t remember what happened [last week].” Rarely fails to get a laugh out of people. What they don’t know is that it’s true.

So for me, winter might as well come tomorrow.

My brain has been wack since 2016. I wasn’t exactly fine before then but it seems that was the year it spazzed. Every seven years, give or take a couple of months, whatever medications I’m on stop working. I don’t know why. They just do. Then the search begins for a new cocktail.… Continue reading

Another Year Gone

If you could live your life over again, what would you change?

Yeah, I know. The epitome of tired old questions. But I ask for a reason. My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and I’m not happy about it. I haven’t been happy about my birthday for almost a decade. It’s not so much that I’m growing older, though I’m not happy about that either. It’s that when I look back on my life all I see is gray. To be sure, there are bright spots but the gray consumes all. When I look the other way, toward my future, I see the same. Bleak.

Me, I would make several huge changes.

When I was 12 (or even earlier), I’d have figured out some way to convince my parents that there was something wrong with me, that I was emotionally unstable. I would have badgered them to take me to a psychiatrist, instead of retreating because I figured they didn’t care about me. Then again, when I was growing up, black folk didn’t go to mental health providers unless they were going to the loony bin. Psychiatry and such was for white people. Black people worked out their problems in private. Don’t air dirty laundry.

I’d have stayed with my music studies. Become a professional musician. Years ago, I caught up with some of my friends from high school. One is a bluesman in South Carolina who performs with his wife. They travel the globe doing their thing.… Continue reading